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GE GUILD PLAYS 



AN CAN ONLY 
DO HIS BEST 

KENNETH SAWYER GOODMAN 




STAGE GUILD PLAYS 

A MAN CAN ONLY DO 
HIS BEST 




STAGE GUILD PLAYS 

By Kenneth Sawyer Goodman 

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A MAN CAN ONLY DO 
HIS BEST 

A FANTASTIC COMEDY 
IN ONE ACT 

BY 

KENNETH SAWYER GOODMAN 




CHICAGO 

THE STAGE GUILD 

MCMXV 



Copyright iqi 5 by 
Kenneth Sawyer Goodman 
All rights reserved ^ \ >? 

Notice: Application for permis- 
sion to perform this play in the 
United States should be made to 
The Stage Guild, Railway Ex- 
change Building, Chicago; and 
application for permission to per- 
form it elsewhere should be made 
to Mr. B. I den Payne, The Gaiety 
Theatre, Manchester, England. 
No performance of it may take 
place without consent of the 
owners of the acting rights. 



MAY 20 1315 



©CI.D 40706 



\ 



a man can only do his best was first pro- 
duced under the direction of Mr. B. I den Payne 
at The Gaiety Theatre, Manchester, England, 
July 6, 1 9 14, with the following caste: 

Gilles, A Mountebank .... Wallace Evennett 
Doctor Funustasius Labulgobulus, 

A Quack Christian Morrow 

Captain Pasuli, 

A Highwayman Ernest C. Cassel 

The Mayor William Dexter 

A Gendarme Ronan Sweeney 

Another Gendarme Norman Walker 

Simonetta, The Mayor's Wife . . . Edith Smith 
Julietta, the Keeper of 

a Lodging house Frances Waring 



A MAN CAN ONLY DO 
HIS BEST 

The Scene is an attic room in julietta's house. 
At the back is a door which gives upon the 
stair landing. There is a door at the left 
opening into a smaller room, which is 
supposed to have a window overlooking 
the street. At the right is a table upon 
which is a tray covered with a napkin. 
There are two chairs near the table and the 
doctor's cot-bed stands against the back 
wall. There is no other furniture. As 
the curtain rises, the doctor is tugging at 
his neckcloth before a cracked mirror. He 
is a large elderly man with long hair and 
beard, and wears a long, bottle-green 
great-coat with wide skirts, and a pair of 
large green spectacles, gilles, a smaller 
and much younger man, lounges against 
the frame of the doorway at the left, strum- 
ming upon a battered guitar. He wears 
a loose-fitting coat of soiled white satin, 
with wide pantaloons of the same material. 
He has a wide and wilted ruffle around his 
neck, and a small black skull cap upon his 
head. 

The Time is a winter morning, about 1720. 

(7) 



8 STAGE GUILD PLAYS 

the doctor, [muttering] Imbecile! Fool! 
Wooden-head ! 

gilles. Good morning, doctor! You're out 
of sorts ? 

the doctor. I'm empty as a church on 
Easter Monday. 

gilles. Try a little of your own famous 
elixir of what's-its-name. Fifty bottles of it on 
the shelf — cures all ills of the feet, head, skin, 
stomach, and spirit; price, fivepence! 

the doctor, [turning indignantly] Do you 
want me to poison myself? 

gilles. [pointing to the table] I see but one 
alternative. 

the doctor. Have you looked under that 
napkin? 

gilles. Not — not another magoozalum? 

the doctor. No, not another. It is, I 
believe, the same, the identical fish! 

gilles. [drawing up a chair, and lifting the 

napkin] It hath, indeed, the same odor of 

antiquity; the same air of mystery and fatigue. 

[gilles sits down and lays the guitar 

beside the tray.] 

the doctor. I positively can't bear it! [He 
starts for the door.] 

gilles. Where on earth are you going? 



A MAN CAN ONLY DO HIS BEST O, 

the doctor, [turning just as he reaches the 
door] To stand in front of the cook-shops; to 
smell the fried meat and black coffee. Me! 
Me! A man of science! A graduate of the 
University of Bologna ! 

gilles. [pushing back his chair] Well, you 
can thank yourself and your blessed elixir. Vd 
never have gotten myself bottled up in this 
god-forsaken town, like a what's-its-name in a 
something-or-other. 

the doctor. [advancing angrily on gilles] 
Did / know the king would take it into his 
head to march an army between us and the 
frontier ? Did / know this fool of a command- 
ant and this idiot of a mayor would declare 
this twopenny town in a state of siege, when a 
cow could knock their crazy fort to pieces with 
one slap of her tail? How was / to know? 

gilles. [mildly] You might have gazed into 
that thingumajig of yours — that crystal ball 
that tells the future. 

the doctor, [walking up and down] And 
now we cant leave without a written passport 
signed by that ass of a Benedetto. 

gilles. Try a spoonful of the elixir. 

the doctor. Don't say elixir to me again! 
We couldn't sell another bottle. The town's 
stocked with it. 

gilles. Wait! I've a quotation that fits 
to a dot. Read it in some kind of a religious 



IO STAGE GUILD PLAYS 



book. "A man can only do his best and go on 
doing it, and doing it, and doing it." 

the doctor, [fiercely] I can tell you one 
thing a man can't do. He can't go on doing 
people and doing them and doing them, and 
then stay in the same place where he did it. 

gilles. But someone might think it cured 
them of something. I tried a little of it to clean 
my shoes. You never can tell what things will 
do these days. 

[He picks up the guitar again.} 

the doctor. They'll be here to get their 
money back. They'll have me arrested. 
They'll call me a quack. Me, a Master of 
Science! A graduate of the University of 
Bologna ! 

gilles. [strumming on the guitar] Heigho! 
Heigho! A man can only do his best. 

the doctor. I suppose you never even 
went to the mayor last night. I suppose you 
never even asked for the passports? 

gilles. [laying down the guitar suddenly 
and rising] There! I knew I was trying to 
think of something! Of course I went to the 
mayor. Of course, I asked for the passports. 

the doctor, [contemptuously] And, of course, 
you didn't get them! 

gilles. Wait! Wait! 



A MAN CAN ONLY DO HIS BEST II 



the doctor. The mayor wouldn't even see 
me! Me! Me! A professor of medicine; a 
bachelor of botany ! 

gilles. [with his hand to his forehead] If 
you'd only stop talking! I seem to remember 
— yes — the mayor was very polite. 

the doctor, [amazed] You saw the mayor? 

gilles. Yes, I saw him. He was sitting in 
a big — what's-the-word? Anyway, whatever a 
mayor unusally sits in. He had on — a — a — 

the doctor, [almost beside himself] Out 
with it! Did you get the passports? 

gilles. Don't shout at me like that! I 
can't think! But it's all right. The mayor 
said he'd send somebody or other around to see 
me in the morning. I didn't quite understand. 

the doctor. Shades of Plato! Do you 
ever understand anything? 

gilles. [with a shrug] A man can only do 
his best — 

the doctor. Don't say that! Don't say 
that again! 

gilles. And keep right on doing it — 

the doctor. Oh, oh, oh ! 

[He puts his fingers in his ears and 
starts for the door where he runs 
into julietta who enters carry- 
ing another tray.] 



12 STAGE GUILD PLAYS 

gilles. And doing it and doing it! 

julietta. [to the doctor] Pig! 

THE doctor, [to julietta] Bah! 
[He rushes out.] 

gilles. Forgive the doctor. He's just 
been called on a case! There's a large fee at 
stake. 

julietta. [advancing to the centre of the room] 
Um! Will he be able to pay my bill? 

gilles. Oh, absolutely! 

julietta. I don't believe it. When's he 
coming back? 

gilles. [his eye on julietta's tray] I don't 
know. Why ? 

julietta. Because the gentleman on the 
floor below was drunk last night. He doesn't 
want anything to eat this morning. I've 
brought his breakfast up to you. He pays his 
rent. 

gilles. [clearing a place on the table] Alms! 
Leavings! Charity! You pain me — well, put 
it down. 

[julietta puts down his tray and 
gilles pulls up his chair.] 

julietta. [spitefully] I wouldn't let that 
doctor touch it if the skin of his belly was flap- 
ping against his backbone. 



A MAN CAN ONLY DO HIS BEST 13 

gilles. [sitting down and examining the new 
breakfast] Urn! Ah! This pickled stuff looks 
excellent. You're a very charming woman. 

julietta. Are you trying to flatter me? 

gilles. [his mouth full] No, upon my honor, 
I've always said so! To the mayor, to the 
commandant, to Captain Pasuli, to all my 
friends. 

julietta. [somewhat softened] But about 
that little bill of mine? 

gilles. Why speak of money when we are 
only just beginning to understand each other? 
Do you suspect me of baseness ? 

julietta. [dubiously] But I can't let senti- 
ment slit my purse. 

gilles. [gesticulating with his spoon] 
Enough! You've blighted the bud! You've 
brushed the gold from the butterfly's wings. 

julietta. Oh, Mr. Gilles, how can you say 
it? I'm that kind-hearted I wouldn't step on a 
cockroach ! 

gilles. [with a grand air] It's better as it is. 
My family would seriously object to my 
engaging myself to a person who keeps a lodg- 
ing-house. 

julietta. Oh, please, please forget about 
the money! 



14 STAGE GUILD PLAYS 

gilles. We won't discuss it. [There is a 
brisk knock at the door.] There! It's my friend, 
Captain Pasuli. Come in! Come in! 

[The door opens and a gendarme 
enters.] 

julietta. It's the police! The police in 
my house! Oh, Saint Stephen! Oh, Saint 
Peter of Padua! 

gilles. [getting to his legs and dropping his 
spoon] Wait! Wait! 

the gendarme. Are you Mr. Gilles? 

gilles. Let me explain! 

the gendarme, [in a louder voice] Are you 
Mr. Gilles? 

julietta. [wringing her hands] Yes, yes! 
He'll go quietly. Oh, Saint Mary and Saint 
Christopher! To think of such a common, 
low thing happening in my own house. 

the gendarme, [saluting] Mr. Gilles, these 
are your passports. Yourself and two other 
persons; one male and one female. You forgot 
to mention the names. The mayor trusts to 
your discretion. Good-day! 

[He salutes and goes out.] 

gilles. [to julietta] There! What did I 
tell you? You needn't have kicked up such a 
row! 

julietta. [still in doubt] Then you're not 
arrested ? 



A MAN CAN ONLY DO HIS BEST 15 

gilles. [throwing out his chest] Arrested? 
Me? Certainly not ! I'm a person of import- 
ance. Passports sent me by special what-you- 
may-call-him. 

julietta. [acidly] So you're planning to 
leave, are you ? 

gilles. [walking up and down] I? Who? 
We ? Yes, yes of course, we're planning to leave. 
Immediately — this afternoon. Yes, we're plan- 
ning to leave. Let me think! 

julietta. [slowly] I'd like to see the color 
of your money first. 

gilles. [turning on her] I felt it in my spine ! 
There's a common mercenary streak in you ! 

julietta. Who's the female person men- 
tioned in the passport? 

gilles. So that's your tune, is it? 

julietta. Yes, that's my tune. Out with 
it. Who is she? 

gilles. [his hand to his forehead] Confound 
it all, how should I know? Oh, my poor head! 
Yes, yes! I asked for passports; that's plural, 
you know; means more than one. "How 
many?" said themayor. "Oneor two beside your 
own?" I couldn't seem to remember. I 
wanted to be on the safe side; so I said, "Two." 
"Male or female?" said the mayor. I wanted 
to be on the safe side again; so I said, "One of 
each." 



l6 STAGE GUILD PLAYS 

julietta. [stamping her foot] You're run- 
ning away without paying me. You're running 
away with another woman. 

gilles. I swear to you! 

julietta. You are? 

gilles. I'm not. 

julietta. Arson, that's what it is. I'm 
going to the mayor's office. I'm going to have 
your passports cancelled. I'm going to show 
you what's what, and what isn't. 

gilles. [getting between julietta and the 
door] Stop! You mustn't do that! Wait! 
I've almost thought of something. Oh, my 
head, my head! 

julietta. [beginning to whimper] And you 
made me love you — and you made out that you 
lalub — loved me, and now you'll go to jail for it. 
That's where you'll go! 

gilles. Shut your mouth, can't you? And 
let me think! Ah, ha, ha! I have it now! 
I've known it all along. It only just slipped 
away from me. There! The very thing ! What 
do you say to that, eh? What do you say to 
that? 

julietta. What do I say to what? 

gilles. [triumphantly] To going with me, 
of course? You're the female person mentioned 
in the passport. Romance! An elopement! 
How does that strike you? 



A MAN CAN ONLY DO HIS BEST 17 

julietta. I vow and declare I never did 
such a thing in my life, nor my mother before 
me! 

gilles. Then it's time to begin. 

julietta. Oh, Mr. Gilles, you've gone and 
made my poor heart flutter, like I'd just run up 
four flights of stairs. 

gilles. [eagerly] Then run down four flights 
and sell the house! Pack a what's-its-name ! 
Get all the money you have, and a travelling 
carriage, and a cold lunch and your winter 
underclothes and a pair of horses. We're going 
as soon as the doctor gets back. 

[There is another knock at the door] 
There he is now! Run along, I tell you, like a 
good little sweetheart, [aside] before I brain you 
with a chair ! 

pasuli. [outside] What, ho! Friend Gilles! 

gilles. [somewhat taken aback] It's the 
captain. It's Captain Pasuli. He's a very 
distinguished person. 

[captain pasuli enters. He is a 
tall dark man with a long black 
moustache. He wears a sort of a 
military uniform and high boots.-i 

^ pasuli. Odds fish-hooks, friend Gilles, but 

I'm delighted to see you! 

[He shakes gilles by the hand violent- 
ly, gilles motions behind his 
back for julietta to go. She 
hesitates a moment and then 
scuttles out like a frightened hen.] 



l8 STAGE GUILD PLAYS 

pasuli. [looking after her] Bones of Maho- 
met! Such a face! 

gilles. [in a whisper] Exactly! It would 
sour the wine if she only looked at the cask. 
But she's my landlady. I'm under some — ahem 
— obligations to her. 

pasuli. [with affected amazement] Don't tell 
me that you're temporarily short of ready 
money ? 

gilles. No, not temporarily. I'm afraid 
the affliction is chronic. 

pasuli. [genially] Faith of a soldier! I 
can't let this go on ! My dear friend, why didn't 
you call on me? My purse is always open. 

gilles. I — well, if you could manage to 
spare a few crowns. 

pasuli. [feeling for his purse] A few hundred 
if you like! 

gilles. [overcome] A few hundred? Oh, no, 
no! I wouldn't think of such a thing! 

pasuli. [slapping his pockets] My purse! 
That's odd ! I must have left it at my lodgings. 
You don't happen to have any snuff about you? 

gilles. [offering his own snuff-box] There's 
only a little left, I — 

pasuli. Don't apologize. 

[He pockets the box of snuff and 
grasps gilles by the hand again] 



A MAN CAN ONLY DO HIS BEST IQ 

gilles. You — you are really too good! 

pasuli. Your gratitude touches me. I 
may some day give you a chance to do me some 
slight service in return. 

gilles. Oh, Captain Pasuli, you have only 
to command me. 

pasuli. [letting go of gilles's hand and 
slapping him on the back] Of course! Of course! 
I said to myself only yesterday: "Pasuli," I 
said, "this Gilles is the devil of a fellow. One 
fellow in a thousand. Just the sort of fellow to 
stand by you in a pinch." I was right. I won't 
forget your offer. By the Bones of the Prophet, 
I will never forget your promise. 

gilles. I — I hope I am — 

pasuli. [interrupting as if he had suddenly 
remembered something] Enough! Listen! I've 
a bit of news for you. The duchess is in love 
with you! The duchess herself! 

gilles. The duchess in love with me? But 
/ don't know any duchess. The duchess of 
what? 

pasuli. [looking cautiously toward the door] 
Hush ! You remember the lady I pointed out to 
you in front of the coffee-house — the beautiful 
lady with the auburn hair? 

gilles. But that was Madame Simonetta, 
the mayor's wife. 



20 STAGE GUILD PLAYS 

pasuli. Not so loud! It's most mysterious. 
Her grace and the mayor are involved in a 
political intrigue of a most delicate nature. 
She's been obliged for reasons of state to pass 
for his wife. 

gilles. [completely puzzled] That's very 
singular! 

pasuli. [preening himself] I hinted to you 
the other day that I myself am more than a 
mere soldier of fortune. You must have di- 
vined that you were in the presence of — of a 
personage. Well, sir, I may as well tell you at 
once that you see before you no less a person 
than a count of the Holy Roman Empire, a 
secret emissary of his Holiness the Pope, a 
member of the Order of Jerusalem. 

[gilles starts to rise, awestruck.] 
Don't rise! Any one whom her grace favors 
with her distinguished affections at once be- 
comes the equal of the nobility. 

gilles. And is her grace really in love with 
me? 

pasuli. Madly! She's outside on the landing 
at this moment. 

gilles. What! Her grace on my landing! 
[He makes for the door.] 

pasuli. No, no! Don't open the door. Go 
into the other room, and don't come out till I 
call you. 

gilles. But — but — I say — 



A MAN CAN ONLY DO HIS BEST 21 

pasuli. Don't on any account let her know 
what I've told you. She'll probably pretend 
she's merely come to ask you to do her some 
little service. 

gilles. I say, you might give me time to 
slip on a clean what's-its-name. 

pasuli. Trust me! 

[gilles goes into the other room. 
pasuli follows him to the door 
and shuts it.] 
Bah! Shrimp! 

[He tiptoes to the other door and opens 
it. simonetta enters.] 

simonetta. Has he gone into the other 
room? 

pasuli. Yes. 

[He seizes her hands and kisses her.] 

simonetta. Take care ! He might be listen- 
ing ! You must tell me what to do next ! 

pasuli. [releasing her] Body of Saint Joseph ! 
Have you forgotten what I told you to say? 
Weren't you listening at the keyhole? 

simonetta. [rather stupidly] I heard you 
tell the little clown that I was a duchess and 
that I was madly in love with him, but I didn't 
hear you say a word about the passports. 

pasuli. [disgusted] Upon my soul, did you 
expect me to ask him point-blank for his pass- 
ports and — 



22 STAGE GUILD PLAYS 

simonetta. Don't be harsh with me! I'll do 
all I can. I've always done everything you 
asked. [She begins to whimper.] 

pasuli. In the name of heaven, Simonetta, 
don't lose your head. Everything depends on 
your keeping your wits about you. 

simonetta. How do I know I ought to trust 
you? How do I know you're a count of the 
Holy Roman Empire? 

pasuli. [taking her hand and patting it] 
There, there, there, forgive me! Trust me! 
Beloved, adorable, incomparable lady! There, 
there, there! Trust your own Ferdinand. 

simonetta. [drawing away] How do I know 
you'll make a grand lady of me? How do I 
know you'll return the money I've stolen from 
my husband? 

pasuli. [with an assumption of injured 
dignity] Borrowed — secretly borrowed. Upon 
my honor as a Knight of Jerusalem, every 
farthing shall be returned. 

[He tries to embrace her again.] 

simonetta. [pointing to the door of the inner 
room] No, no ! He might see us. 

pasuli. True! The little clown! We'll 
have him in. Remember your story. 

simonetta. [dabbing her eyes] I — I won't 
forget it! 



A MAN CAN ONLY DO HIS BEST 23 

pasuli. [throwing open the inner door] Oh, 

Mr. Gilles ! [gilles enters dressed in a clean ruff. 

He makes an exaggerated bow 

to simonetta, who at once begins 

to flirt with him rather clumsily.] 

pasuli. [with a grand flourish] Madame, 
this is the gentleman of whom I've so often 
spoken. 

simonetta. [to gilles] I have heard your 
character and accomplishments praised in the 
highest terms, sir. 

gilles. Your — your grace does me too 
much honor ! 

simonetta. [shaking her finger at pasuli] 
Tut, tut! You naughty man, you've betrayed 
me. [To gilles.] The count — I mean the 
captain has been very indiscreet, Mr. Gilles. 

pasuli. Upon the honor of my seven uncles, 
no harm has been done, I assure you. 

gilles. Oh, madame, I swear you may 
trust me. 

simonetta. [seating herself and rapidly gain- 
ing confidence in her own acting] Heigh-ho ! Well, 
since the cat's out of the bag, we must make the 
best of it. You may kiss my hand, Mr. Gilles. 
[She offers gilles her hand. He 
falls on his knees and kisses it.] 

gilles. Oh, your — your — oh, madame! 



24 STAGE GUILD PLAYS 

pasuli. [impressively] I even go so far as to 
say that you might safely trust Mr. Gilles with 
the casket containing the emperor's jewels. 

gilles. [amazed] The casket containing the 
emperor's jewels? 

simonetta. I vow and protest, Mr. Gilles, 
I don't know what he's talking about. 

pasuli. Thunder of Mahomet, your grace! 
I'm a blunt soldier. Trust your friends com- 
pletely, that's my motto. Trust them to the 
death, that's my principle in life. 

simonetta. Oh, Lud ! I vow you sometimes 
take my breath away with your rashness. 

pasuli. Ah, ha! I have it! An inspiration ! 
Here's the very man! Why not? Why not 
trust him to deliver the casket to the emperor's 
agent ? 

simonetta. But how's Mr. Gilles to leave 
the town? 

pasuli. But if he could? 

simonetta. [clasping her hands] He would 
earn my undying gratitude; to say nothing of 
the emperor's favor. 

pasuli. What a pity! What a terrible pity! 
Bones of Saint George, if he only had that pass- 
port! 

gilles. [rising from his knees] But — but, 
your grace, I have a passport. It came this 
morning. 



A MAN CAN ONLY DO HIS BEST 25 

pasuli. What? You have a passport? 

simonetta. Impossible! 

pasuli. Incredible! 

simonetta. He has a passport ! 

pasuli. Blood of Saint Joseph, this is a 
stroke of fortune. I can't believe it! 

gilles. [producing the passport] But I'll 
show it to you ! 

pasuli. [taking the passport and examining 
it] In the mayor's own handwriting! "Pass 
Mr. Gilles and two companions, one male and 
one female. ' ' Then, sir, you're not going alone ? 
This puts an entirely new face on the matter. 

gilles. My friend, the doctor of Bologna, 
and Madame Julietta, my landlady, are going 
with me. 

simonetta. [haughtily] I vow, Mr. Gilles, 
you chose very low companions. 

pasuli. Tush! It's a pity! By the toenails 
of Satan, if we only had those passports our- 
selves ! 

simonetta. [drawing herself up] Come! 
You were rash to mention the project at all. 
We can't think of inconveniencing Mr. Gilles 
and his friends. 

pasuli. [striding up and down] And it is so 
urgent, so important that your grace make your 



26 STAGE GUILD PLAYS 

escape at once now that you know the mayor 
to be a traitor. 

gilles. The mayor a traitor! 

simonetta. Alas, yes. The mayor may 
betray us at any moment. 

pasuli. [to gilles] You understand now, 
Mr. Gilles, in what a desperate position her 
grace finds herself. 

simonetta. [in a resigned voice] Why trouble 
Mr. Gilles further since he is unable to help us. 

gilles. [his hand to his forehead] Wait! 
Wait a minute! I almost seem to have it. 
It's only stuck somewhere in the back of my 
head. Let me think. 

pasuli. [to simonetta] Didn't I tell your 
grace that he was the devil of a chap when it 
came to thinking? 

gilles. Ah, ha! Clear as water! Two 
passports ; one male and one female. I thought 
of it directly you mentioned the emperor's 
jewels. One female person! The description 
fits your grace exactly. 

simonetta. [drawing herself up] Sir, you 
presume upon our slight acquaintance. 

pasuli . Bones of Saint Christopher, madame, 
I believe he has struck the right idea. 

simonetta. He is grossly familiar. 



A MAN CAN ONLY DO HIS BEST 27 

gilles. But — but — your grace is a female 
person. 

pasuli. Upon my soul! How devilishly 
clever! It took a man of brain to think of it! 
Your grace is certainly a female person. 

simonetta. [rising with dignity] Be that as 
it may, I have yet to accustom myself to being 
called so to my face! 

pasuli. Doesn't your grace understand? 
Mr. Gilles is offering to take us with him. 

simonetta. I could hardly consider accept- 
ing such a service. Even if it were not for 
disappointing Mr. Gilles's friends. 

gilles. [kneeling] Oh, madame, they're not 
my friends. They are persons of absolutely no 
account whatever. I can arrange everything. 
We'll go at once, before the doctor and Julietta 
come back. 

simonetta. [apparently beginning to give in] 
This is all so rash, so unexpected. Oh, lud, 
Mr. Gilles, I suppose I must put myself entirely 
in your hands. 

[She goes toward the door.] 

pasuli. Your grace must positively be back 
in a quarter of an hour. 

simonetta. I'll run all the way! Oh, lud, 
Mr. Gilles, you do have such a way of persuad- 
ing a woman. 

[She throws gilles a kiss and goes 
out. gilles stands looking after 
her, with his hands clasped.] 



28 STAGE GUILD PLAYS 

pasuli. [clapping him on the back] Bones of 
Saint Stephen, but you're a fortunate dog ! Um, 
ah! I may as well tell you, her husband, the 
duke, is a very old man, ninety-six his next 
birthday. 

gilles. Ninety-six his next birthday? 

pasuli. And subject to fits. He's apt to 
pop off any moment. 

gilles. [delighted] But she wouldn't. She'd 
never think of such a thing. 

pasuli. [with an air of conviction] Stranger 
things have happened, my friend. The widow 
of the rich Prince Parchesi married a street- 
ballad singer only last year. Hush! What's 
that? [He listens.] 

gilles. It's the doctor. I know his step. 

pasuli. Ten million devils! What's to be 
done? 

gilles. Leave him to me. A man can only 
do his best. 

[the doctor enters.] 

THE DOCTOR. Well ! 

gilles. Well, did you get your breakfast? 

the doctor, [indignantly] I did not. I've 
been to the mayor's office and had the door 
slammed in my face. 

gilles. You needn't have troubled yourself. 



A MAN CAN ONLY DO HIS BEST 2Q 

the doctor. You don't mean to tell me our 
passports have come? 

gilles. Yes; oh, yes! A man in uniform, 
a something-or-other in connection with the 
what's-its-name, brought them. Isn't it too 
bad, I'm afraid we oughtn't to use them after 
all. 

the doctor. Not use them? 

gilles. [glibly] My friend, Captain Pasuli, 
tells me it's positively dangerous to stick your 
nose outside the town. 

the doctor. Dangerous to stick your nose 
outside the town? 

gilles. The roads are — what's the word — 
infested — that's it. The roads are infested 
with thingumbobs and one-thing-or-another. 

pasuli. Ahem! Bandits, desperadoes, cut- 
throats, rabble in the wake of the two armies. 
[the doctor looks from pasuli to 
gilles in amazement.] 

gilles. Exactly! Bloodthirsty rabble 

ready to cut your throat, and slit your purse. 

the doctor, [taking off his hat and mopping 
his forehead] Dear, dear! I'm not very con- 
versant with the ways of bandits. But I'd 
hardly supposed one ran much risk with an 
empty purse in one's pocket. 

gilles. They don't take the trouble to find 
out what's in your pocket, till after they've 
knocked you on the head. 



30 STAGE GUILD PLAYS 

pasuli. They crucified an old woman the 
other day because she only had two crowns in 
her stocking. 

gilles. In that case, think what they'd be 
apt to do to us. 

pasuli. I should say — boiling in oil, at the 
very least. 

the doctor. Dear, dear! A doctor of the 
University of Bologna boiled in oil! It would 
be quite unprecedented. 

[He tries to think it out.] 

pasuli. [taking up his hat and cloak] Well, 
gentlemen, I hope you'll take my advice. 
Good-day, Mr. Gilles. [Aside to gilles.] I'll 
run to my lodgings for my sword and pistols. 

gilles. [aside to pasuli] Trust me to 
manage everything. 

pasuli. Good-day, gentlemen. 

the doctor, [absently] Good-day. 

gilles. Good-day. 

[pasuli goes out.] 

the doctor. Do you think there's any 
truth in what your friend says ? Boiled in oil — 
crucified — I don't like the idea at all. 

gilles. A man can only do his best. 

the doctor. Such a position for a bachelor 
of science! Between a pack of bloodthirsty 
wolves and a bellowing bull! 



A MAN CAN ONLY DO HIS BEST 31 

gilles. Do you allude to Madame Julietta 
as a bellowing bull? 

the doctor. I admit the error in point of 
sex. I'm merely comparing their dispositions. 
Four weeks' board and lodgings! She hates 
me as the devil hates holy water. 

gilles. You're wrong; absolutely wrong! 

the doctor, [plaintively] Crucified! And 
what on earth am I to do about it? 

gilles. [after a moment s thought] Um — you 
might stay where you are and marry Madame 
Julietta? 

the doctor, [startled] Marry her? Prepos- 
terous ! Why she always looks at me in a queer, 
passionate sort of way and grinds her teeth if 
I even speak to her. 

gilles. [triumphantly] What did I tell you ! 
That's the way some women are. You're as 
good as married to her already! Why, sir, 
when I'm gone she'll positively melt into your 
arms. 

the doctor. But you ! What about you? 

gilles. Never mind me! I can sacrifice 
myself gladly. What does it matter about me? 

the doctor. Boiled in oil ! 

gilles. Crucified! 



32 STAGE GUILD PLAYS 

the doctor, [looking around] It is a com- 
fortable house, a very comfortable house. I 
must think it over. 

julietta. [outside] Mr. Gilles! Mr. Gilles! 
Mr. Gilles! 

the doctor. Good God ! There she is now. 

gilles. Hush! Not a word till I'm safely 
out of the way. 

julietta. [entering] Oh, Mr. Gilles, I'm 
ready. I'm ready to start. I'm ready to start 
right away. 

gilles. [trying to shut her off] Yes, yes! 
Certainly! Of course! What did I tell you? 
She's ready to start right away. There's a 
woman for you! There's a woman in a thou- 
sand ! Ready to start — 

julietta. [to gilles] I've the money and 
my portmanteau and a cold lunch in a basket 
and — 

gilles. [losing the thread of his idea] Yes, 
yes! This is terrible — terrible! I can't seem 
to think. Damn it, I can't seem to think at all ! 
[He beats his forehead.] 

the doctor. What, in the name of Heaven, 
is the matter with the man? 

gilles. [beating his head] A portmanteau! 
A what-you-may-call-it of cold lunch! There 



A MAN CAN ONLY DO HIS BEST 33 

must be some way out of this. Oh, my poor 
head ! [ There is a knock at the door, julietta 

goes toward it.] 

gilles. No, no! Don't open it! 

[julietta opens the door, revealing 
simonetta, who comes in with a 
veil over her face and carrying 
a box.] 

julietta. Well, I never in my life! 

the doctor. Upon my word ! 

simonetta. [coldly] I did not expect to find 
you entertaining company, Mr. Gilles. 

julietta. [to simonetta] I'd have you 
know this is my own house you're talking in. 

simonetta. [haughtily to gilles] Since this 
lady seems to object to my presence, I shall 
trouble you no further. 

gilles. [getting between her and the door] 
No, no, no! You mustn't do that! Go — go — 
go into the other room. You mustn't mind 
what Julietta says. 

simonetta. I vow, sir, your head seems 
somewhat addled! 

[She goes swiftly into the inner room. 
gilles shuts the door.] 

julietta. Well, Mr. Gilles, if I do say it 
that shouldn't, my house has always borne a 
reputation that I may call lily-white, white as 
Easter lilies, if I do say it. 



34 STAGE GUILD PLAYS 

gilles. [turning on julietta] May the 
devil fly off with you and your Easter lilies! 
Do you want to ruin me! Don't you know a 
lady of quality when you see one? 

julietta. [in a jealous rage] A lady of 
quality? A lady of quality? What would a 
lady of quality be doing climbing up four flights 
of stairs to see a — a — a — 

gilles. Be careful what you say! 

julietta. A — a — cheap — juggler, a street 
mountebank, a — a — cheating, grinning, misera- 
ble clown, like you ! 

gilles. [to the doctor] Didn't I tell you! 
That's the way she talks to me! That's the 
gratitude I get for bringing people of distinction 
to her confounded den of cockroaches. 

julietta, Den of cockroaches! Don't I 
know a common, low woman when I see one? 

gilles. [with a grand gesture] You may con- 
sider our acquaintance absolutely at an end. 

julietta. You'll pay me my money first. 
You can't run away with your scarlet Queen of 
Sheba under my very nose. 

gilles. Be still! Can't you? The lady'll 
hear you. 

julietta. Yah! The lady! Who is your 
lady? 

the doctor. I can tell you who the lady is. 



A MAN CAN ONLY DO HIS BEST 35 

julietta. Well, then, who is she? 

gilles. [quite beside himself] For the love of 
Heaven, be quiet! Can't you? I'll tell you in a 
moment. Let me think! Oh, my head! My 
head! I can't seem to remember. 

the doctor. Unless I'm very much mis- 
taken, she is Madame Simonetta, the mayor's 
wife. 

julietta. It's a lie! It's a lie! Let her 
come out! I won't be fooled in my own house. 

gilles. No, no, no! It is Madame Simon- 
etta, the mayor's wife. 

julietta. Ha, ha, ha! That's a good one! 
What's she doing here? Answer me that! 

gilles. Damn it, if you must know, she's 
here to buy a hundred bottles of the doctor's 
Elixir of Life. 

julietta. Ha, ha! What for? To poison 
rats in the town hall? 

gilles. A thousand devils ! How do I know 
what she wants it for? The mayor himself 
sent me a letter. It said — confound it, what 
did it say? 

julietta. Show me the letter. 

gilles. I tore it up. 

julietta. Ha, ha, ha, ha! Anything else? 



36 STAGE GUILD PLAYS 

simonetta. [in the other room] Oh, Mr. 
Gilles! Are they gone? 

gilles. There now! See what you've done! 
You've made me keep her waiting! You've 
made her angry. Like as not she'll only buy 
fifty bottles of the Elixir. 

simonetta. Mr. Gilles, may I speak with 
you a moment? 

gilles. Yes, yes. I'm coming, I'm coming! 
[He opens the door of the other room 
and goes in.] 

JULIETTA. [tO THE DOCTOR] Well, what do 

you think about that? In my own house, too! 

the doctor. But if it is Madame Simonetta, 
the mayor's wife. 

julietta. Madame Fiddle-sticks, the may- 
or's cook! Don't I know what he's doing? 
Didn't I catch him just in time? He's trying to 
run away with that — that — Jezebel of Jerusa- 
lem, that hussy — that — 

the doctor. But, perhaps it's all for the 
best. There — there — let him go, my dearest 
Julietta, and remember that you still have me. 

julietta. [turning on him] Your dearest 
Julietta still has you, has she? You're a fine 
partner to a fine bird, you are! You're both of 
one piece. A pair of lying, cheating ragamuf- 
fins. 



A MAN CAN ONLY DO HIS BEST 37 

the doctor, [backing away from her] Dear, 
dear, dear ! I can hardly take such language as 
a sign of affection. 

julietta. Affection! Affection! Don't 
come near me or I'll twist the nose off your face! 

the doctor. Ah ! And yet he did say that 
some women take just that way of showing their 
passion. 

julietta. Are you gone stark staring mad? 
Who said it? 

the doctor. Why, Gilles. 

julietta. The viper! That goes to show 
what he is! I'll have the law on him, that's 
what I will. I'll have his passports cancelled. 
I'll have him up for perjury and arson and se- 
duction — that's what I will! 

[She makes for the door.] 

THE DOCTOR. Stop ! Stop ! 

julietta. Don't you get between me and 
that door! [She rushes out.] 

the doctor, [wringing his hands] Oh, dear! 
Oh, dear ! Such a position for a man of science. 
[gilles enters.] 

gilles. What's the trouble? Where's 
Julietta? 

the doctor. She's gone to lodge a com- 
plaint against us with the mayor. She threat- 
ened me with physical violence. 



38 STAGE GUILD PLAYS 

gilles. [grasping his hand] It's exactly as I 
said. She threatened you, did she? Splendid! 
She's yours! I congratulate you! She's a 
magnificent woman. 

the doctor. But — but — I don't know what 
to do next? 

gilles. Run out and fetch one of those 
covered contraptions — one of those travelling 
what-you-may-call-its, with a couple of horses 
and a postboy ! 

the doctor. But — but I don't understand! 

gilles. You don't have to! I'll explain 
later. [He shoves the doctor toward the 

door.] 

the doctor. Wait — I — 

gilles. Do as I tell you! [He pushes the 
doctor out and slams the door.] I've a head on 
me, a great head for details ! 

[simonetta enters from the inner 
room.] 

simonetta. Well, what have you done? 
Where's Captain Pasuli; why isn't he here? 

gilles. He can't be long. I've sent the 
doctor to fetch a carriage. 

simonetta. And your friends ? What about 
your friends? 

gilles. They've agreed to remain behind. 



A MAN CAN ONLY DO HIS BEST 3Q 

simonetta. Mr. Gilles, you're a marvellous 
man. You may kiss my hand again — 

gilles. [falling on his knees] Oh, madame! 
Oh, your grace ! 

simonetta. Oh, fie, sir ! You're a bold man 
— a very naughty, audacious man. 

gilles. [taking her hand] Doesn't the poor 
toad in the grass feel the brightness of the stars ? 
Doesn't he struggle up through the grass-blades 
a little way from the wet ground and dream all 
sorts of audacities? Doesn't he feel his heart 
thump in his side at being an inch or two nearer 
something that's still a million miles above his 
head? 

simonetta. Oh, lud, but I vow there's less 
than a foot of space between us, Mr. Gilles. A 
million miles ! You're very poetical, I declare. 

gilles. [becoming bolder] Oh, your grace, 
give me both your hands ! 

simonetta. [with a glance at the door] I vow, 
sir, you're going quite mad with presumption. 
Give me the passports. They'll be safer in my 
bosom. 

gilles. Say that you love me! 

simonetta. You ask your reward before 
you perform your service. 

gilles. Then I am to have my reward? 

simonetta. Another time, perhaps. 



40 STAGE GUILD PLAYS 

gilles. [eagerly] Yes, yes, yes, another 
time! In another place! In a great cool gar- 
den by a sweet fountain, with a marble what's- 
its-name, and trees whispering over us, and 
tall thingumbobs all green and pink and white 
and spidery gold ! Oh, my lady, forgive me ! 

simonetta. [impatiently] Yes, yes, yes! 
But you're to get me out of this town first. 

gilles. [jumping up from his knees] True! 
Why hasn't Pasuli come? Why hasn't the 
doctor come back? 

simonetta. Run into the other room. 
Watch at the window till you see the carriage. 

gilles. Oh, madame! 

simonetta. There, you may kiss my hands 
again ! [gilles kisses her hand, and runs into 

the inner room, pasuli sticks 
his head in at the other door.] 

simonetta. [going toward him] Pasuli! 

pasuli. [in a whisper] Hush! Did you get 
the passports? 

SIMONETTA. No ! 

pasuli. [entering softly and closing the door] 
Ten thousand fiends, then we'll have to take 
him with us after all ! 

simonetta. We can tie him to a tree as soon 
as we are out of sight of the sentries. 



A MAN CAN ONLY DO HIS BEST 41 

pasuli. Where is he? 

simonetta. Hanging out of the window, 
like a booby at a fair, watching for the carriage. 

pasuli. One kiss then! 

[He embraces her.] 

simonetta. My own Ferdinand ! 

pasuli. You have the casket with your 
husband's money? 

simonetta. Yes, yes! 

pasuli. Another kiss! 

simonetta. [pushing pasuli away] Not 
now! He'll hear us. No, no! Let me go I tell 
you! [gilles enters in time to see pasuli 

struggling for another kiss.] 

gilles. Good God! 

simonetta. [to pasuli] Let me go, I say ! 

[pasuli springs back and gilles 
springs between him and simo- 
netta.] 

gilles". [to pasuli] How dare you! How 
dare you touch her grace! 

simonetta. Now, the fat's in the fire! 

gilles. Don't be alarmed, madame! I'm 
man enough to protect you against insult. 

pasuli. [blustering] Why, you miserable 
little shrimp, I'll break every bone in your 
carcass. 



42 



STAGE GUILD PLAYS 



gilles. We'll see about that! 



SIMONETTA. 

him! 



Don't! Don't! Don't touch 



pasuli. [threatening gilles] Come on, young 
fire-eater, hand over those passports. 

gilles. Don't you come a step nearer. 

pasuli. Come now, be quick about it. 

gilles. Don't you lay your hands on me! 

pasuli. [firmly] Toenails of Satan, give me 
those passports or I'll tear your liver out. 
[He makes a move at gilles.] 



GILLES. 



PASULI. 



GILLES. 

that! 



Stand off! 

[He grabs up a chair.] 

You will, will you? 
[He runs at gilles.] 

[striking at him with a chair] Take 



simonetta. Our Lady in Heaven ! 

[pasuli starts to draw his sword but 
gilles strikes him again on the 
head and he falls.] 

simonetta. Oh, Heaven protect us, what 
have you done! 

gilles. [dazed] I don't know! I only meant 
to — I don't know what I meant to do! 



A MAN CAN ONLY DO HIS BEST 43 

simonetta. [bending over pasuli and feeling 
his heart] You've killed him! You've murdered 
him! 

gilles. [his hand to his forehead] Killed 
him! I can't have killed him! Why I never 
even killed a mouse ! Let me think ! 

simonetta. Yes, think! Think! Much 
good it'll do you to think! Don't you know 
you'll hang for this? Why, in God's name, don't 
you say something, you fool? 

gilles. [almost weeping] Madame, I've 
killed my friend to protect you and you call me 
a fool! I — I vow I think you owe me some 
gratitude. 

simonetta. Gratitude! Gratitude! Oh, 
Mary above, he's killed the one man I loved in 
the world ! He speaks of gratitude ! 

gilles. The one man you loved in the 
world? I — I — 

simonetta. [springing up] Don't touch me! 
Don't come near me! I'm ruined! I'm ruined, 
I tell you! You've ruined me between you. 

gilles. [pulling himself together] No, mad- 
ame. Calm yourself. The carriage is in the 
street, the passports are here in my pocket. I 
can still take you safely — 

simonetta. [quite forgetting her role of grand 
lady] To the gallows — . Do you think I want 
to die with a mean, low, murdering ragamuffin? 



44 STAGE GUILD PLAYS 

gilles. Your — your grace! A few mo- 
nents ago — 

simonetta. [almost shrieking] Don't call me 
"your grace." I'm not a duchess. Oh, God, 
I wish I could tear you limb from limb! 

gilles. Don't say another word! I don't 
know what this all means, but I know that I 
loved you. That entails a sort of obligation on 
a man. What is it you want me to do? 

simonetta. I want you to get me out of 
this. I want you to save me. 

gilles. Let me think! I've something 
rattling around in the back of my head. 
[There is a knock at the door.] 

simonetta. Oh, Mother of Heaven, some- 
one's at the door. Let me hide myself. 

gilles. No. Stay where you are. It's only 
the doctor. 

[the doctor enters.] 

the doctor. Well, the travelling carriage is 
in the street. 

gilles. [handing him the passports] Good! 
Here are two passports. Take this lady and go 
at once. She'll give you directions. 

THE DOCTOR. But VOU? 

gilles. I've changed my plans. Look over 
there. [He points to pasull] 



A MAN CAN ONLY DO HIS BEST 4$ 

the doctor, [amazed] It's the captain. 

gilles. Yes, it's the captain. We had a 
misunderstanding. 

the doctor, [bending over pasuli] Why, 
the man's dead! 

gilles. Yes, he's dead — dead as what's-his- 
name. I split his thingumajig with that 
what-do-you-call-it. 

the doctor. Dear, dear! What a position 
for a bachelor of science, a peaceful practitioner 
of the art of healing. 

simonetta. [wringing her hands] We must 
do something ! We must ! 

gilles. I've told you what to do. 

the doctor. But, my boy, my poor boy, if 
we go, you can surely go with us ? 

gilles. The lady prefers that I remain 
behind. 

the doctor. But, you'll hang for it! Don't 
you know that you'll hang for it? 

gilles. A man can only do his best and keep 
on doing it and doing it and doing it. 

simonetta. [venomously] I wouldn't cry 
quits with you if I could help it till I'd picked 
every rag of flesh from your bones ! 
[She spits at him.] 



46 STAGE GUILD PLAYS 

gilles. I regret that you will be denied that 
satisfaction, madame. 

the doctor. But — but — Gilles — 

gilles. [fiercely] Why don't you go! 

[simonetta goes to the door, opens it 
and starts back in terror.] 

simonetta. Tears of Mary, we're too late! 

the doctor. I hear Madame Julietta ! Such 
a position! Such a position! 

simonetta. Oh, God help me! I hear the 
gendarmes ! 

gilles. Hush ! 

[the doctor snatches a cover from 
the cot and throws it over pasuli. 
simonetta sinks into a chair 
covering her face. julietta 
enters, followed by two gendarmes.] 

julietta. [pointing to gilles] There he is! 
There's the villain! Sieze him! I've got a 
warrant for his arrest. Arson and pillage and 
false swearing; that's what he's committed, 
and he owes me four weeks board and lodging. 
[the gendarmes step forward.] 

THE FIRST GENDARME. [to GILLES] Come 

along now ! Give me your fists ! 

gilles. But I want to explain. 

the second gendarme. You can explain to 
the magistrate. 

[the mayor enters.] 



A MAN CAN ONLY DO HIS BEST 47 

julietta. [triumphantly] Here's his honor, 
now! Perhaps he'll tell us what's what and 
what isn't. 

the mayor, [advancing to the centre of the 
room] Mr. Gilles, I understand that this good 
woman has lodged a serious complaint against 
you. I understand, furthermore, that you 
intend to grossly abuse my trust in granting 
you three passports. 

gilles. Your honor, I can explain every- 
thing. It's only stuck somewhere in the back 
of my head. 

the mayor, [shaking his head] I hope you 
can, sir. [He looks around]. What's that under 
the cloth yonder? 

[julietta stoops and pulls the cloth 
from the body of pasull] 

julietta. [screaming] Oh, Saint Genevieve 
and Saint Katharine ! In my house ! A murder 
in my house! 

the mayor, [to gilles] This is very serious. 
This comes under the fifth penal enactment. 
Sir, did you commit this crime? 

gilles. Well, you see — 

simonetta. [lifting her head] He did! He 
did! He lies when he says he didn't. I saw it 
with my own eyes. He killed him with a chair. 
I'll swear he did it and he'll have to hang for it. 



48 STAGE GUILD PLAYS 

the mayor. My wife! Simonetta! What in 
Heaven's name are you doing here? 

simonetta. [running to the mayor and 
falling on her knees] I don't know ! I don't know ! 
Take me away ! Take me home ! 

the mayor, [pompously] This is very seri- 
ous, very perplexing. Let me see, um — ah — 
the fifth penal enactment. Very complicated 
crime — [pasuli stirs a little.] 

the first gendarme. Why, your honor, 
the man isn't dead at all! 

all together. Not dead ! 

THE SECOND GENDARME. [to PASULl] Here, 

you, get up and explain yourself. 

the mayor, [very much incensed] Yes, sir, 
get up at once and explain why you're not dead? 

pasuli. [sitting up with his hand to his head] 
I refuse to answer any question without the 
advice of a notary. 

the mayor, [peevishly] Dear, dear! This 
complicates matters terribly. This upsets my 
application of the fifth penal enactment. Can't 
someone at least tell us who this person is. 

the first gendarme. Why, your honor, 
I can tell you! It's the very man we've been 
looking for. It's the highwayman they sent us 
a description of from Turin. There's a reward 
of two hundred crowns for his capture, dead or 
alive. 



A MAN CAN ONLY DO HIS BEST 49 

simonetta. [looking at pasuli with horror 
and contempt] Oh, the miserable dog ! 

the mayor, [to pasuli] Well, sir, what have 
you got to say ? 

pasuli. [sullenly] I've told you I refuse to 
answer any questions. 

the mayor. Mr. Gilles, I might suggest that 
you answer for your friend. 

gilles. He's not my friend ! Oh, my head! 
Confound it, let me think. 

the mayor, [taking out a note book] Remem- 
ber that anything you say may be used against 
you. 

gilles. \as if recounting a scene from a play] 
I was eating my breakfast, a piece of fried 
what 's-the- word, never mind, a piece of some- 
thing-or-other that was fried, fried very brown 
with melted butter all over it and a green thing- 
umajig like a little tree stuck in one end. 

the mayor. In the name of Truth, sir, don't 
complicate the evidence with what you were 
eating. 

gilles. Oh, my poor head ! I can't seem to 
remember. Yes, yes! There was a knock at 
the door. A lady entered, a very beautiful 
lady, that lady over there. She came to buy a 
bottle of the doctor's Elixir of Life. 

the mayor. Well, sir, go on. 



50 STAGE GUILD PLAYS 

gilles. I was folding my napkin. 

the mayor. Damn it, sir, I'm not taking 
testimony about your table manners. 

gilles. Wait, wait! I have it all now. I 
had just folded my napkin and given her the 
bottle, when the door flies open and in jumps 
that man over there, a pistol in each hand. 

julietta. Well, of all things! 

the doctor. Uponmyword! 

the mayor, [writing in his note-book] A 
pistol in each hand. 

gilles. No, I think he had them both in 
one hand and a sword in the other. I don't 
seem to remember. Nevermind! It's no mat- 
ter! Perhaps, he had them one in each hand 
and the sword in his teeth. "Sir," he said, 
"throw up your hands while I carry off the 
lady." 

the doctor. I never in my life! 

julietta. Upon my word as a Christian! 

pasuli [struggling to get at gilles] You little 
impudent, lying shrimp — you infernal little 
cur! 

the mayor. Gag that man — 

[the gendarmes twist a scarf around 
p asuli 's face.] 

gilles. I looked him between the eyes and 
I said to myself, "Gilles," I said, "this mustn't 



A MAN CAN ONLY DO HIS BEST $1 

happen." So I hit him over the head with a 
chair. 

all together. He hit him over the head 
with a chair. 

gilles. [with a shrug] There, you have it. 

the doctor, [delighted by gilles's ingenuity] 
Well, I'll be — 

gilles. [delighted at finding himself a hero] 
You see it's all very simple after all. 

the mayor. And I suppose you claim the 
reward of the two hundred crowns? 

gilles. Certainly, I claim them. 

the mayor, [shutting his note-book] Sir, I 
congratulate you. 

jXjlietta. But, what about me? 

the mayor. Tush, tush, madame! In 

recognition of Mr. Gilles's public service I cancel 
your charges. 

julietta. But the four weeks' board and 
lodging? 

gilles. Mercenary soul ! 

the mayor. Mr. Gilles has rescued my wife. 
I engage to pay his account in full. 

simonetta. [without raising her eyes] Mr. 
Gilles, I am deeply grateful. 



52 STAGE GUILD PLAYS 

gilles. [bowing] You see, madame, the 
obligation has been fulfilled after all. 

the doctor. But the passports ! How 
about the passports? 

gilles. I knew there was something still 
stuck in the back of my head. 

the mayor, [genially] The passports shall 
be renewed this instant. Where's a pen and 
ink? 

gilles. [to the doctor] Ah, ha! What did 
I tell you ? Everything always comes out right. 
A man can only do his best, and keep right 
on doing it, and doing it and doing it ! 

CURTAIN 



This first edition of A man can only do his 
best, printed from type by The Lancaster 
Printing Company, Lancaster, Pennsyl- 
vania, in February, iqif, for the stage 
guild, Chicago, consists of nine hundred 
copies on laid paper. 



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